How I've changed emotionally over this past year

Photo by Олег Мороз on Unsplash

Written 8/28/2024.

As my year of becoming myself wanes, I’d like to reflect on where I was and where I am emotionally. If you are a consistent reader of this blog, then you know that I have had many rough patches emotionally.

So, before the cluster that began this where was I emotionally?

I was up and down, outward focused on my relationship and how it wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. I had a plan to see whether it could be turned into something lasting as it wasn’t everything I actually needed.

I was allowing everyone else to call the shots in my life, just responding, never really leading. I was certainly not doing what filled me up and made me happy. It was a holding pattern which so many of us get into and unfortunately lasts up until the day we die.

Then my friend died.

Then my girlfriend broke up with me.

Then my daughter had a health event.

This threw me down into a negative spiral, helped me realize how much I needed support through this time and that, being male, there wasn’t much around. Luckily, I had a counselor, journalling, and other support to help me make it through this dark time.

From this dark time, I started writing, then started posting nightly on substack the crap in my head. Part of this was my therapy, kind of a public journal. Part of this was to help others know that they are not alone in the world with their struggles and emotions.

I struggle with mild depression. Luckily, it is not all pervasive and tends to be situation based. I think many of us have the same thing at points in our lives.

The stress in my life due to finances, running a business, being there for my family, starting a new business, and trying to find my authentic self is around an 11 on a 10-point scale. There are some issues I’ve been working on for 2 years that I haven’t been able to resolve. I’ve actively worked on the situation and haven’t found anyone who will step up and help (it’s a technical/accounting issue, so really difficult for a non-accountant to handle).

Right now, I feel as if I’m pushing a big spongy ball that isn’t budging. I’m throwing everything at it, and it just absorbs everything, but doesn’t budge.

I’m pouring my heart and soul into my life, yet life has decided that I can’t follow the traditional pathway of exchanging money for talent (due to my divorce, I’m actually in negative territory due to taxes at the end of the year). Everything I’ve tried to boost revenue and income hasn’t worked for the last 2 years, so I’m stuck in a holding pattern.

The government actually owes me a significant amount of money but has decided that they will delay paying me. It’s been more than a year since they approved payment, but still nothing. I’ve made investments into certain ventures that should have started 4 months ago but haven’t yet. These are speculative, so I only put in a small amount of money that I know I could lose.

So, where am I emotionally?

There are times when I can’t take it, and the stress gets to me. I bitch and moan and feel depressed. The good news is that I know how to deal with this through breathing techniques, music, dancing, and riding my motorcycle. I hope that if you have similar feelings that you have something you can do to change your emotions.

There are times, like this morning, when I’m out for a run and listening to a great song and feel happy, grateful, and connected to the Universe. BTW, my new favorite band is Lawrence the band (WHATCHA WANT is one of their songs).

Yesterday, with the cluster of a Tuesday/Monday yet my going through it with more grace than I would have in the past shows the progress I’ve made.

My mindset has slowly changed from being type A I must get these 20 things done TODAY to I will do what I am able under my priorities. Understanding that sometimes the quality of connecting to people takes longer than expected and that this is okay.

When it comes to driving to meetings, I allow for traffic so that I arrive early, yet sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I’ve gotten better with allowing this and knowing it will be okay.

In other words, I’m trying to allow things to happen as the Universe dictates, not when and how I think they must go. This doesn’t mean I don’t push (I’m still an obsessed type A). It’s more that I do my part and allow things to unfold as they may.

That’s part of the reason why I think it feels like I’m stuck pouring everything I have into my life, yet not feeling like I’m getting the return I expect.

The Universe is teaching me to be attentive, to allow things to unfold, to be patient. This is much like what happens in farming. You follow the weather, prep the soil, plant the seeds, take care of the land, but ultimately must wait on the weather to grow the seeds. You can’t force them to sprout early.

On the whole, I believe I’ve learned and grown over 11 months. I know what I love and more of who I am and am actively working in that world. I am waiting on the universe to allow this part to be rewarded so it can be my front burner life versus back burner life.

Worst case, I blow up my life and then pick up the pieces that I want to carry and leave the rest behind. It means starting over again at 57, but that’s life.

My gut tells me that I will have more abundance that I can imagine. I have a vision of the space I will be living in which is dramatically different than what I expect. It’s just I want it now, not later, but that’s not my call. I can only do what I’m doing and learning patience.

This has been a long rambling post and I’m sorry, I wanted to get things down on paper while my thoughts were still fresh.

I’d love to see your journey as we truly are all in this together. Drop me a comment below.

Blessings to you always.

Robert